Year of Personal Challenge
From the start of January, 2014, I've started working in convenience store where I have never worked before. I always wanted to work in convenience store for some times. And it was one of my challenges in life. I want to start things I wanted to do in 2014. There are several things I want to do in this year. Work as a translator and interpreter for the company, travel to Europe for a month and donate blood 10 more times to fulfill 50th donation.
First thing which I already started in early march is translating the brochure for a company called EF Education first Korea. I'm working on a booklet for High School Exchange student program. I was an exchange student back in 2006 for a year to Oklahoma, USA. So I know about the program by heart. Also, I worked for the EF Korea as an intern last summer for 2 month. It will be on my career as a translator. I hope to enjoy my working as a translator from now. This work will help my plan for 2014 to travel.
My second challenge in 2014 is traveling to Europe. Since I'm working several things together, I hope to raise some money to visit. I have had no chance to travel to Europe. I've frequently dreamed of visiting palaces, cathedrals and museums in Europe. For this year, my friend asked me to come to where he is staying so that I can save money to travel. It means that I can take more vacation in Europe so that's huge opportunity for me to go this year. I hope to look around things I wanted to see.
Lastly, by donating blood I want to feel that I'm volunteering for society. I have started to donate from age of 16. Until now I've given my blood about 40 times. When I donate it feels like I'm doing something for the society. As a young member of Korea, it's hard to donate something for the society. As soon as I make money from working at a company, I want to support others who's in help.
3 challenges of my year are to be a translator, a journey to Europe and helping others with donating a blood. Since I've already started working as a translator, there are 2 more to do for this year. To challenge my life, I hope to make a new one for every year to urge myself when getting lazy and bored in life.
To: Jinsu Park From: Sujin Park Assignment: #1_Topic:2014
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing :
The writing describes the writer's mind very well. It is unafftected and natural enough to be a well-written personal essay.
2. Your main point seems to be three major things that you want to challenge in this year.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
- Words or lines : To challenge my life, I hope to make a new one for every year to urge myself when getting lazy and bored in life.
- I like it because : I could feel the writer's strong will to work on the challenges.
- Words or lines : Every first sentence of the three bodyparagraphs
- I like it because : Each topic sentence is written very clearly.
4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improve:
- Lines/parts : For this year, my friend asked me to come to where he is staying so that I can save money to travel.
- Need to improve because : First of all, the tenses of this sentence do not really corresponds with each other. Also it may be better to split this sentence into two different sentence: for example, 'My friend once told me that I should visit his place someday. So for this year, I would like to save money for travel.'
- Lines/parts : There are several things I want to do in this year. Work as a translator and interpreter for the company, travel to Europe for a month and donate blood 10 more times to fulfill 50th donation.
- Need to improve because : There is no subject in the last sentence. I simply would like to suggest to combine the two sentences with colon or semicolon, so that the whole sentence can be your wonderful one thesis statement.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing :
Although minor, there are some grammatical errors in this writing. For example, tenses of some sentences do not agree and some prepositions and articles are missed. To make a better piece of writing, if I were you, I would just check the work briefly one more time before submitting. And in academic writing, abridged forms like 'I've' or 'it's' are hardly used. I really enjoyed your work, though. :^)